Wednesday, October 29, 2003

In the name of Keith Van Horn's injured groin

I do believe it's on.'Tis the season for Pat Riley to continue to be the patron saint of the Van Gundy clan, for Eddie Griffin to smoke mad trees and shoot at his girlfriend. 'Tis the season for Kobe and Shaq to compete in the Asshole Olympics. And 'tis the season for all of us to pray to the ghost of Dave DeBusschere that we get a Sixers/Wolves Finals.
Dreams are free, motherfucker.
Here are just one Irish-Jewish man's opinions on the upcoming campaign.
Feel free to tell me that I am on drugs and that Carmelo Anthony is just Adrian Dantley without the Isley Brothers tapes.

My astute observations:

They Shootin'! The Wiz will win the Atlantic. Word to Rosario Dawson. They've got more talent then the Nets and more depth to leg out the season. I obviously think Gil Arenas is the truth. But I also happen to be bonkers about everyone else on this team. Larry Hughes is back playing the 2. If Kwame fits into Eddie Jordan's system he could put Kenyon-like numbers up. They've got crazy shooters (soemthing Jerz really lacks (Jarvis Hayes Rookie of they Year (I SAID IT!))). And if all else fails, they've got Maryland's Nat'l Championship Backcourt! Juan Dixon! Steve Blake, Son! Fuck a Heinrich!

I truly think that with the loss of Antoine "I Wake Up Every Morning Under The Assumption That I Am The Second Coming Of Bernard Fucking King" Walker, I truly think that Extra P will raise his game to, like, Jesus level. Vin Baker is 12-Step-Dieseled-Out (remember, he once had game before he met that evil man, Johnny Walker!). Besides in the East, where a man with one kidney is considered the pre-eminent center, Raef is looking like the White Olajuwon!

GGGGG-UNIT! Ok, by using my patented By-Subtracting-The-Thing-That-Made-Them-Good-They-Might-Get-Better-Theory (check for the book at Christmas! It's the new Moneyball), I think Mo' Better might get these dudes to act right. They lose the combined 800 years and 326,000 pain relief injections per night of Scottie and Sabonis. But check it out: Zach Randolph, after beating up on Summer Leagues for most of the century, is starting, and everyone says his shit is wired tight. So tight that Rash is playing the 3 now. They've shaved off enough of the bench so that people like Bonzi, Damon "I'm not a starter I just puff a lot" Stoudamire and Derek Anderson now get the minutes and touches they've been asking for. And don't sleep on Qyntel Woods!

Guess what? You're the new Utah Jazz. Congratulations. Webber and Bibby are the softbatch version of Stockton and Malone. Brad Miller is a hayseed who will probably get his ass handed to him by people like Danny Fortson on a nightly basis. This would be the exception to the rule (the rule being By-Subrtacting-What-Made-Us-Good-We-Get-Better theory (study your darts, herbs!)) They lost Hedu and Jimmy Jackson and reloaded with...Anthony Peeler?! Tony Massenburg!?


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