Tuesday, December 07, 2004


With a new lineup full of hot shit free agents (Carlos Boozer and Mehmet Okur) and a point guard coming off a star-making Olympics performance (Carlos Arroyo), the Utah Jazz looked primed to make a run deep into the very trill Western Conference playoffs. And after notching a 6-1 record to start the season, that seemed exactly where they were going. But they play 82 games for a reason. And that reason is so that every squad have their little meltdowns, their conniption fits, etc.
Sometimes it lasts all season (or several seasons...Chicago), sometimes it lasts a week.
The Jazz are going through a rough patch, right now, losing 9 of their last 11. Some within the Utah camp have suggested a little sit-down, a team only chopping-it-up sesh. But NAW! According to Matty "The Killer Bee" Harpring, "I don't think anyone has a beef with anybody."

Besides, Head Coach Jerry Sloan doesn't believe in such open-hearted shennanigans. He told the Desert News, "I've been in those things. I know exactly what happens: Some guys do all the talking, and sometimes those guys do the least amount of work." Snap! He continued, "Talking just gets you deeper in the hole, I think, a lot of times.If a meeting helps, or they go stand in the corner on their heads for half an hour before a game, I don't care." Yes, Jerry!
Never one to be detered, we here at ChBill. HQ gave General Jerry a holler.
CB: What's the greeting, old timer?
Sloan: (unintelligible noise)
CB: It sounds like you're scraping bricks against a chalkboard.
Sloan: Breakfast. Oatmeal.No milk. Ever.
CB: I wanted to give you a platform to maybe articulate your feelings on the season so far, seems to have had its up's and down's.
Sloan: It started and we were up, and now we're hip-deep in manure. So that's pretty accurate.
CB: Even Boozer seems to be letting up.
Sloan: Well, he's got problems at home. You ever see his old lady?
CB: Haven't had the pleasure.
Sloan: Well she's no Audrey Hepburn. Lemme tell you, I think we'll pull it together once we get that Russian kid back--
CB: Kirilenko?
Sloan: Honestly, ever since Stockton retired I haven't bothered trying to learn their names. But once we get that guy back we should be ok. He takes up space. It's the locker room I'm worried about. Every night before the game I gotta deal with Carlos Arroyo blasting that fucking reggaeton shit! I'm always saying, "YO-YO, DON'T YOU HAVE ANY GOD DAMN TITO PUENTE!?" But he doesn't listen. These guys are soft, you know? Back when I was balling, before I even played in the league...you know, we would be out there playing on gravel and broken glass lots, with a milk crate for a hoop. And if we couldn't find a milk crate we'd just use Billy Hopkins' little brother because he was kinda slow.
CB: That's vivid. Was Walker Evans there to document that?
Sloan: I just don't wanna hear any more Tego Calderon, I don't wanna hear Harpring talking about how his rims keep spinning. When I was coming up, we had the Hopkins kid, our bodies bleeding all over the place from the glass, and when the ball would deflate we would go and grab a fuckin' hornet's nest. Because we loved the game. I don't know if I can say the same for that big Turkish kid who starts.


At 12:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't know you, dude, but you are a fucking genius.

At 8:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


At 10:58 PM, Blogger John said...

It was the Hornets nest that did it for me.


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