Monday, February 14, 2005

PLEASE BRING MY CAKE BACK




Tip your Bowler hat to the original Lil' Flip. The Wolves were built for a short window, and that window has apparently slammed shut on their necks.

I'm saying this year's Wolves squad--with the return of Wally and the lost Neville brother, Troy Hudson, and the emergence of Eddie Griffin--was like some Ikea furniture or something. You got these pieces, the shit makes sense on paper, you think it should work, and by the end of the day you have a broken bookcase, a drinking problem and 6 extra screws. AND YOU CAN'T FIND THE ALLEN WRENCH! YAOMING?! (YO, OLOWOKANDI IS THE ALLEN WRENCH IN CASE MY METAPHORS ARE TOO FUCKING RAS KASS FOR YOU)



This team went into the season, restocked and loaded with a lineup that went 8 or 9 deep, in a Western Conference that was up for grabs for the first time this century. Flip's dismissal is sad and KG's apparent knee problems (that he is ignoring) are alarming. But perhaps most telling is the fact that in the beginning of the year, they were in the market for Jason Kidd or Shareef Abdur-Rahim, whereas now you've got this story . Now I know that sometimes the dudes at ESPN have to float shit to fill out column inches or whatever but let me just say that if this trade is consumated I am rolling up to Kevin McHale's like this man...


on some WHAT IS YOUR PRIMARY OBJECTIVE!? type shit. Sprewell for Glen Robinson?!

One ray of sunshine today. The Wolves beat the Nets (golf clap, boys) last night, holding off a streaking Vince Carter. Garnett said this of interim coach/checkwriter Kevin McHale: "He's like a breath of fresh air right now. He's given everybody from A to Z confidence."

Yup. From Garnett on down to bench cozy, John Thomas, the shit is like Honey Apple potpourri. According to often dumbfounded center Michael Olowokandi, "McHale does a very, very good job at keeping us upbeat."

Yes, because you fucking guys were the number one seed in the West last year, you have the reigning MVP, and you have two extra above-average players returned to your arsenal this year, yet the sensitive contract demands of two Golden Girls have sent your team into a tailspin and cost your coach his job. But you need this horror movie villain...

To let you know that you're a special group of people.

39 Comments:

At 5:52 PM, Blogger Dr. Lawyer IndianChief said...

Damn. The truth hurts.

For further analysis, peep:

http://freedarko.blogspot.com/2005/02/year-that-was-sposed-to-be.html

 
At 3:31 AM, Blogger Chris said...

No all-star update?! :(
That is some weak sauce.
And it saddens me.

(IKEAnalogy very nearly made me spit soda all over my already-destroyed keyboard.)

-- chris
lemon-red.blogpot.com

 
At 3:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

yeah, can we all agree now to never mention kg's name in the same sentence as duncan's? dude should never get mvp consideration. look at his career: 7 straight first-round exits. they made one conference finals by beating a webber-less queens squad, and now they're getting beat by 30 on their home floor and dropping games to the bobcats. think duncan would ever let his team lose to the bobcats? no fucking way.

 
At 12:01 AM, Blogger Danyel said...

Timberwolves: '06 NBA champions. Mark my words.

 
At 11:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

we need an update badly. i have no idea what to think about this roundball action without the observations of c.b.

 
At 1:29 AM, Anonymous Jenny's brother said...

I don't pay attention to the NBA if Chauncey isn't up and running.

Flipper to O-town in '06

 
At 4:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

troof. the season as a whole was dimmer by your absence.

 
At 3:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Enough is enough. Come on back Chauncey, we need you like Oschino needs Sparks. Like Chris Webber needs his left knee. Like Reggie Miller needs the refs.

I see the Celtics on the verge on collapse, but I don't know what to make of it. I see your namesake putting in work, but it's not the same.

One post per round, that's all I ask.

 
At 2:31 AM, Blogger John said...

Like Omar says: INDEED.
Get th' fuck back up, eh? We miss ya.

 
At 1:55 AM, Blogger Dave said...

yeah i wish there was an all-star edition.

 
At 1:55 AM, Blogger Dave said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 6:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Are you Dead? Please come back, we need your incitezz.

 
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At 6:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is the funniest shit I've read in a long long time. I'm praying that you will revive in time for the 05-06 season.

 
At 2:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At 3:52 AM, Anonymous kalyan said...

now espn.com is siting you got to come back

 
At 4:54 AM, Blogger nope said...

Hi,

I'm sorry for being intrusive in to your blog. But I am Melissa and I am a mother of two that is just trying to get out of an incredible financial debt. See my hubby is away in Iraq trying to protect this great country that we live in, and I am at home with our two kids telling bill collectors please be patiant. When my husband returns from war we will beable to catch up on our payments. We have already had are 2001 Ford repossessed from the bank, and are now down to a 83 buick that is rusted from front to back and the heater don't work, and tire tax is due in November.

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At 2:56 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Help me if you can I'm feeling down" - I also think I must be lost.

I was searching for Elvis and somehow ended up in your blog, but you know I'm sure I saw him on the golf course yesterday. Now this is strange because usually I see him in the supermarket.

Honest really, last time I saw him there he was right in front of me, next to the steaks singing "Love me Tender".

He said to me (his lip was only slightly curled) "Boy, you need to get yourself a shiny, new lcd tv to go with that blue suede sofa of yours.

But Elvis said I, In the Ghetto nobody has a lcd tv .

Dude I'm All Shook Up said Elvis. I think I'll have me another cheeseburger.

Then I'm gonna go home, put ma dancin' suit on, munch me some uppers and freak out to that maaaaaaaaad surfing scene in Apocalypse Now on ma lcd tv .

How cool is that boy?

And then he just walked out of the supermarket singing. . .

"You give me love and consolation,
You give me strength to carry on "

Strange day or what? :-)

 
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