DON'T HAVE ME ZIP DOWN THIS JACKET, OPEN THE OVEN UP

This is your OFFICIAL CHAUNCEY BILLUPS GUIDE TO THE FUTURE CAREER OF GEORGE KARL-HEAD COACH OF THE DENVER NUGGETS

aka

I REMEMBER MILWAUKEE!!!

Phase 1 (The remainder of the season): As Marc Stein calls him, Furious George is in the building talking some shit about how Denver is a dream job (Alex English retired, God!). The players start sensing some stability at the end of the bench. Carmelo lives down the I-thought-I-could-fly-Jet-Blue-with-a-dime-bag-arrest, the I-will-put-money-on-your-motherfucking-brains DVD , the LaLa-Is-My-Boo Barfight , the what-if-I-am-a-Bernard-King-remake (meaning: NO RINGS)...all that SHIT, and he comes back strong with two ankles and his merciless take a game over mid range muscle style. Kenyon and Camby and Nene get their chemistry right and make it hard for Western Conference forwards/centers to eat. Andre Miller somehow gets out of the am-I-overrated-or-what!? seating section. Earl Boykins keeps stabbing squads in the heart. They beat someone like Minnesota or maybe even my Suns (perish the thought!) in a playoff round before losing to, like, the Spurs (since everyone else will), and all of a sudden everyone is talking about....

Phase 2 (Next Year): High expectations, maybe Michael Redd is in the mix, they figure out what to do with their frontcourt (Yo, Kiki! I could've told you K-Mart can't play small forward! It says it right there in the media guide!). They stomp sqauds, it's all bliss, 'Melo joins Wade and LeBron in the WE ARE THE FUTURE realm. They win their division, and lose in a tough Western Conference final to the Spurs (since everyone else will). So close! Kno what I'm saying? Yo son, I had crazy visions!Check it out check it out check it out, boom!

Phase 3 (2006-2007 Season, assuming we are all alive and there is no work stoppage and all that): It's on, son! No, this time IT IS ON. They are so fucking chiseled. Melo is ready for some MVP chants. Oh yeah...oh wait...they start off going 8-11. And...oh no! Marcus Camby's wooden leg has termites!! And...Michael Redd is saying he can't be effective without more shots!! And...what's this?! George Karl is publically insulting his players in the media!! And the Balkan kid they drafted still can't play! That's never happened before! After the All-Star break the team takes a nose dive, and George Karl brings in his go-to savior... 0

MASE! WE THOUGHT YOU KISSED THE GAME GOODBYE!
And then it goes down like the Titanic, son. Melo gets traded to the Knicks for Toni Kukoc's nephew and Kurt Thomas. Camby retires. K-Mart starts living in Jason Kidd's attic like Jeffery Tambor on Arrested Development, and Earl Boykins joins the cast of Carnivale.

These are just some thoughts from your NBA version of...



I could be wrong. In the meantime, I would've hung with Mr. Cooper:

I AM THE MOTHERFUCKING SHORE PATROL, MOTHERFUCKER!




New Orleans: The Movie...starring Marlee Matlin as Jim Jackson because BRAH CAN'T HEAR THE NOLIA CLAP. Traded by Houston to Nawlins for David Wesley, Double J elected to flip the bird to the trifling Hornets by not reporting for duty. GM Alan Bristow, in trying to sell his bottom-feeding club to Jackson, via the media, had this to say:
“One thing I know, when you talk about the Hornets and our record right now, we’re 2-25 and certainly that’s a very discouraging mark. But, over the last 14 years, we’ve been winners. We’ve been .500 or better. The Hornets have established a strong winning tradition over the years. We plan to continue to work tirelessly to get back to that."

Alan! I can see the coke in your nose! I mean I loved that shit when Baron Davis had a functioning spine a few years ago and he stuck crazy threes in McGrady's ass...but, Baby! You guys haven't been cool since Larry Johnson put a crease in your caesar! Jim Jackson was recently traded to Phoenix for chump change, Casey Jacobsen, and a can of Sparks. Nice work, Jerry West Jr.!

In other news...



With Ron Artest back in the mix, at least for practice, Indy's Head Coach, Rick Carlisle made the understatement of our young year:

"Having a guy like Ron in practice helps raise the level of practice in terms of intensity."

Which basically means Pacers practice is no longer Jon Bender hopping around on one foot talking 'bout ain't no half stepping. Bender! Get some of the clear and cream! You're like 15 years old!

and..

Last night, the Sixers, fueled by Allen Iverson's 45 points beat the Eastern Conference alpha dogs, Miami Heat. In the Philly crowd that night were members of THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL CONFERENCE CHAMPION PHILADELPHIA EAGLES inlcuding McNabb, Westbrook and...

That dude who's gonna put Rodney Harrison in therapy...

and...

THE SULTAN OF SLOT...THE PEOPLE'S CHOICE



Freddie Mitchell. Who was, interstingly enough, at the game with Jaleel White. No kidding. Anyway, when the game was tied at 83, they showed highlights of the Eagles season which put the place in a complete frenzy, leading Iverson to go off. I swear to god, reading this just about made a dude feel like he was watching Field of Dreams for the first time! Let's have a catch, Dad!

Despite being on top of the Eastern Conference, Miami is 5-6 in their last 11, and this made Shaq opine after game, "I was telling the guys in the shower we have 40 games left and we need to go 30-10."

That must be quite a personal hygeine experience.