LEAVE YA WITH A LARRY JOHNSON CREASE IN YOUR CAESAR




Shaq is taking his book of rhymes and he's movin' out! Lakers owner Jerry Buss, and GM Mitch Kupchak are apparently so enamored with young Kobe Bryant, his continental flair for poetry and his gentle touch with both the mid-range jumpers and the ladies (shut yo mouth!) that they are willing to say goodbye to the most dominant player in the NBA to keep Kobe from catching feelings.

Now, not to take a giant piss all over Mitch Kupchak's smores party, but has anyone mentioned to this dude that KOBE BRYANT MIGHT BE GOING TO OZ!?


meet your new roomie

Whether Diesel goes to Memphis, Indiana, New Jersey or across the hall of the Staples Center to the Clippers, you can bet your Black Card that the God is going to be playing next year with a serious case of the Vengeance-Is-Mine's.

While most of the end of the season speculation centered on where Kobe might hang his hat next year, this recent turn of events is not exactly coming out of nowhere.

Espn.com's Tom Friend has been sitting on some mesquite barbequed beef for half a season. Appears when Friend did his big STOP-THE-PRESSES-KOBE-ACTING-LIKE-MARIAH-CAREY story for Espn the Mag, he got Shaq to open up about his true feelings regarding the young Philadelphian:

""See, with me and Karl and Gary and a lot of other guys, you can say something and it doesn't matter how you say it. They don't take it the wrong way. For example, I can say, 'Come on, Devean, mother------, play hard.' I can say that to Karl. But a sensitive guy will take that very sensitively."

Dies continued...

Shaq: I mean, one time, I ran up in Devean's house, at like, I don't know, 4 in the morning. And he was sleeping and I was like, standing over dude...watching him sleep. And suddenly I grabbed him and started screaming, I WILL SHOW YOU THE LIFE OF THE MIND! I WILL SHOW YOU THE LIFE OF THE MIND!!



Shaq: It's just those little nuances of the triangle offense...like running up in a dude's crib. Kobe was too softbatch to handle that shit.

THERE'S A WAR GOING ON OUTSIDE NO MAN IS SAFE FROM



There are some troubling troubles to be troubled by out there. Nothing keeps this scribe up at night more often then the safety and well-being of our Olympic athletes...well that and the longevity of Ashlee Simpson's career, but I digress.


I'm in 7th Heaven when you sing

Forget for a moment that most of the USA's Olympians have enough Balco juice pumping through their veins that they could swim to Athens. Their safety is still a concern.

No one group of athletes has expressed their hesitation at repping the colors more then NBA ballers. Kevin Garnett, Jason Kidd, Ray Allen, Karl Malone, Tracy McGrady and Mike Bibby have all said, thanks, but no thanks, to the invitation, citing either concern for personal safety or mending injuries.

This leaves such stand up individuals like Ben Wallace, Stephon Marbury and Allen Iverson to stand up and say I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I have a max contract and my own sneaker. Word to Alexander Hamilton.

We here at CBHQ thought the list of Dream Teamers was looking pretty good. But there are apparently some stepped on feelings out there. Last night, as we were drinking til six in the morning, still high off of the Pistons victory and the new Young Buck mixtape, our shit blew up...it was Darius Miles, the winged warrior of the Portland Trailblazers:

Miles:You sleeping?
CB:Never that. I hear it's somehow related to death. Perhaps they are cousins.
Miles: Let me clear my throat, mang. I am pretty stressed out over this Olympics fiasco. Richard Jefferson? That dude eats scrambled eggs with white girls...
CB: And I bare witness.
Miles: While I'm on my grind! That Ready To Die shit? It was aight! But listen: All these dudes in the league they running scared they think the Taliban out to get em?! Sensitive thugs all need hugs! I don't give a fuck! My shit is more John Blaze then Mike Bibby! That dude looks Amish!
CB: I think Bibby hurt his ankle or something
Miles: So! Ain't nothing compared to the pain in my heart since they tore me and my boo-I mean my man, Quentin Richardson apart. Yo, no homo, but-I LOVE HIM. You put me and Q.T. on TEAM U.S.A. and it's a fucking wrap.
CB: You're not worried about your personal safety?
Miles:: Fuck no. Chalabi ain't got no alibi! If Osama or whoever wants to get at me, yo, I'm the 6-9 black dude with rows, and Nikes. That's the description. Come holler at a real solider. I just wanted to say Darius and Q.T. reunited like New Edition. We bring back that shine to the land of the free. Let us live!

WHEN I BRING THE MAC INTO RUCKER, DOG, IT AIN'T TRACY



While the Pistons get fitted for rings, the rest of L's General Managers get their fitted ear-pieces for their cell's, as they try and do like Joe Dumars does. They're frying up trade rumors on the hot stove, and people's feelings are about to get hurt!

- Tracy McGrady is rumored to be going everywhere from Phoenix to the Lakers. The most compelling move being talked about is T-Mac to the Pacers for some combo of Jonathan Bender, Al Harrington, Ron Artest, and Jimmy Chitwood from Hoosiers. The problem with that is that any proposed trade for the Orlando star, would make McGrady's recipient look a lot like, well, THE ORLANDO FUCKING MAGIC. So confused by this, we hollered at Basketball Rushmore member, and Pacers President, Larry Bird:

(Basketball) Jesus Talks: I got on the phone with [Orlando GM John] Weisbrod and told that Phillistine, I said, 'I'll give you Austin Croshere, Jeff Foster, and that Balkan kid we got, Brezec or whatever. And you give me Tracy. I've had enough crackerdom on this team. I want some hard-bodied brothers. But he didn't go for that.

Shaq has also had his name bandied about. Rumors have Diesel heading to the Pistons for Jermaine O'Neal and some window dressing. So, the The Lakers are thinking Kobe, J.O. and possibly aquiring Antoine Walker from the Mav's? Sounds like the most ill-concieved All-Star team since The Firm:

PISSED ON



Larry wins one, the right way. My mang gets MVP. Rip becomes NBA royalty. Rasheed gets paid back. AND DUNNY DARKO BREAKS HIS HAND (no joke!) PUTTING THE NAILS IN THE COFFIN.

said the Milic:

Milic: They're lucky I broke my mitt, God. I was about to tomahawk some shit like my name was Sitting Bull. Holler at a real Injun! Ask Luke Walton! I was fittin' to knock him outta his L.A. Gear's! Seriously, Skywalker...L.A. Gear? In this day and age? To all the haters who think I won't get my shine this time next year? It's like the Clover G, Lil' Flip, said, "I got your girl taking off her G-String, I'm in the drop pumping 'Nothin' But A G Thing!'" Darko comes alive in 2005! One!

Yo, the Pistons straight up made the NBA fucking interesting again. Okay, that 10 minute streak at the end, the one that resembled the alumni of UNLV playing a drug rehab center squad...that wasn't too cool. But by picking apart the Lakers, by pretty much insuring they will be broken up, and by showing that an East Coast squad can come equipped, the Pistons did more for hoops then anyone could have asked from them.

As for the Lake show?

"It was a Cinderella story, actually, that this team had,"

said Phil Jackson, with one toe in a Montana trout river and one toe in the COMPLETE LACK OF IRONY ZONE.

Peace out, Karl Malone. Have a nice summer fucking elk poaching or whatever. Don't hurry back.

FOR THE JACKERS, THE JEALOUS ASS CRACKERS: I'LL MAKE YOU PROVE THAT IT'S BULLETPROOF




Oh I've been gone for a minute, drinking daquris with Mizz Billups in the Fla. sun. And whaddya know, THE GODDAMN DOOBIE BROTHERS BROKE UP. Ah, a little Romancing the Stone humor for all my Kathleen Turner fiends. Oh, we still playing ball? Oh word?

With a 60$ bet and about all the energy I can muster for a team that gives up scoring for lent, I am obviously cheering for Motown.

After a not too suriprising game one victory (Lakeshow is always slow on the come up, no?) Kobe Bryant, putting his possible Colorado bid behind him, stabbed the Pistons in the heart with a seconds remaining, reality questioning three to send the game into overtime and an inevitable Lakers stomping.

Despite the fact that I would rather get bleach in my eye then see the Lakers march triumphant to another championship, there was something kinda funky about watching Shaq and Kobe out there with Derek Fisher, Luke Walton and Kareem Rush. Like the two best players in a gym class picking the goth kids to be on their team.