ITALIAN GIRLS HOLD THEM RELIGIOUS HABITS IN FRONT OUR YOUR EYES



Coming to the conclusion that the world was taking a giant shit on him, Jim O'Brien decided that between keeping Vin Baker out of Norm's seat at Cheers and teaching Ricky Davis Defense for Dummies, coaching the Celtics was too much of a task for one Irish boy to handle. You've earned a vacation, lad. Get under the Tuscan sun like my girl, Diane Lane.

IF YOU WANT TO GET ON THEN YOU MUST SEE ME



Last night Indy put the kibosh on Detroit's 13 game win blitz in a Central Div. Thunderdome matchup. On the night that G.W. Bush Deuce gave the State of the Union, Jermaine O'Neal painted the White House black, putting up 28 points and 15 boards, despite having former War roadie, Ben Wallace, up in his mix. Wallace opined, ""We had a long winning streak and it was great, but now it's over." Marinate on that.
The fact that head coach Rick Carlisle is the white man Eddie Griffin is talking about when he says, white people coach like this, isn't lost on me or Al Harrington. But something about the robotic way that Indy has been disembowling their opponents this season makes me think that Jersey's reign on the top may have been short like leprechauns.

WHY CAN'T WE BE FRIENDS



Seems that Quentin Richardson and Keyon Dooling got into a presentation of the old pugilist arts yesterday at practice. Coach Mike Dunleavy felt that the tussle was a good way to wake the squad up from their losing ways. Kinda like the way my middle school gym teacher would lock the door and have opponents get in a squared circle whenever a dodge ball-related melee broke out. Power forward Elton Brand chimed in, "I didn't see it." That's right, son! Fuck a snitch!

IT BEEZ LIKE THAT
News from around the League





DARIUS MILES decided to take it E-Z and skip Cleveland Cav's practice. Perhaps D. was trying to finish up Max Payne 2 ("Check me out in Bullet Time, God!" was the official word out of the Miles camp).
There is speculation that Miles was trying to make a statement regarding his lack of clock. As in, can I get some more. As sage practitioners of civil disobedience like J.R. Rider and Jason Richardson can attest, not attending practice is a sure way to make a coach come around to your way of thinking.
keep em guessing, D.


KEITH VAN HORN and STEPHON MARBURY are off to a nice start with mock turtleneck aficionado Lenny Wilkens at the helm. Quotes like, "Stephon is seeing the pass faster. Like a second faster then he used to," from the Stomin' Mormon, and "Keith is always in attack mode," from Marbury (yeah, Keith is a killer), lead this reporter to believe that Haitian Jack has been up at the Garden spreading a little of that egg shell white coke around the home locker room.

THREE PASSES!



Ahh yes. Playing the right way. Call it the Hackman Way. Bounce passes from the chest, blocking out, footwork, ball movement, spacing, getting low, don't leave your feet, rotate, clock management.

Old time hockey!


Recently, certain well adjusted members of the Association, namely Carmelo Bone Thugs And Anthony and Ron Artest have criticised the offensive strategy of their respective coaches (Jeff Bdzelik and Rick Carlisle), rebuffing the Hackman Way, if you will . Both Melo and Artest called the slow-it-down-set-it-up styles of their coaches, and I'm paraphrasing here, mad boring. Or perhaps more precisely, and I'm still paraphrasing: If we're gonna ball like Naismith, I'd rather not ball at all.

And truth be told, they have a point. I would rather watch old people eat then watch teams grind out 73-64 vicotries, characterized by staunch defense and prudent, mistake-free half court hoops.

But I would take that over what most squads trot out as their half court game. Most teams run sets that basically involve their star/number 1 option standing right outside the three point line waiting for the Red Sea of defense to part, all while some half hearted motion takes place.

Obviously there are exceptions (The Lake show when Kobe and Shaq are on the same page, Sacramento and New Jersey's variations on the Princeton offense (and not to split hairs, Denver, who are performing above everybody's expectations and Indiana who look even better then they did last year)), but for the most part teams seem uncomfortable when it comes to grinding out points.

Which is why the most oft-uttered phrase of the year seems to be, "We're gonna run."

YOUR LOVE IS LIKE MOE



Yeah, it's the evil that Doug Moe do. Run and gun. Everybody wants to push the ball. And I will co-sign it. I love some Bo Kimble type run the ball out of the gym type shit. But someone should send around a memo.

Just take some time watch a not so hot NBA team. Take the Clippers for example. Stocked with young talent, and led by a guy who sort of knows how to lead in Mike Dunleavy. But the last time I watched them they're offensive strategy seemed to be: push the ball up the court, get tripped up in transition by a team (in this case, the Spurs) that knows how to get back on D, then sort of throw a sausage of a play together that more times then not ended with Quentin Richardson or Corey Maggete throwing up ill-advised jumpers.

When the Orlando Magic fired Doc Rivers, and brought in Johnny Davis to coach and Paul Westheadl to assist, Tracy McGrady announced, despite having lost 19 games and perhaps because he was taking in some deep pulls of Central Florida hydro, that the Magic were gonna start 130 points a game.

Obviously, that didn't come to pass. You can't just make it so. You either have to fully commit the idea of spending the game in 4th gear, like the Mavericks do, or you have to accept the fact that sometimes the dude in the suit is gonna call the plays.

ARM ME WITH HARMONY

Out of the frying pan of Phoenix, Arizona, home of the annual Martin Luther King Day Methamphetamine Cook Off, and into the firey furnaces of NYC. The prodigal son returns.

Chauncey Billups Sports Bizz correspondent Joey Patel stopped counting his scrilla for a few moments to report that Stephon Marbury and Anfernee "Paper Thin" Hardaway were sent to the Knicks for, "three players, the rights to another, two first round draft picks, the section 410 usher, a footlong hot dog and rights to the Garden hot tub on Sundays."
Keith Van Horn is currently feeling like Beecher when he woke up from a dream and found out he was still in Oz. Antonio McDyess is currently thinking of shooting off his own foot like some 'Nam short-timer who just found out he has to run point on an ambush.