SALT LAKE CITY! YOU ARE NOW ROCKING WITH THE BEST!!



NORTHWEST!

Utah- Matt Harpring checks in with a Jazzy update:

Didn't you get the MEHMO!? We spend paper here in Salt Lake Sleazy! Scared money don't make none. So, the Head Mormon In Charge, Kevin O'Connor, went out and got some fresh legs. Carlos Boozer and Mehmet Okur. Two wide-bodied power forwards who have played in the shadows too long! Come into the light!
Then in the draft we got another long white boy to run with, Kris Humphries. So we are good. In this candy-ass division, the only squad we're sweating is the T'Wolves. And Wally Szczerbiak! Only room enough for one of us, baby! I'm coming for ya, and I don't want to hear any bullshit about your aching feet. Get some Epson salt and get your bunyons right so I can dunk on your soul, cracker!
Now, since we're really rapping here, let me make something clear. I've heard a lot of talk about how, aw, Utah ain't got any jazz...the NBA should change the name of the New Orleans squad to Jazz, being how N.O. is the craddle of this jazz shit, and let Utah be some other name.
No you know me. You know you're boy likes nothing more then to go home, crack a fucking Michelob, and throw on the God, Robert Cray, and his smoking long player, Strong Persuader.



It's just how I get down. But don't get it twisted! When you see Carlos Arroyo leading us on a break, you are in the presence of some competent hep cats. It's like Bird mainling some Mexican Black Tar and chugging some Glenlivet! Behold art of the improvisers! Unit structures! Music is the healing force of the universe, you fucking bitches! Get down or lay down. In '04 the Jazz is free!

Minnesota- No draft picks because Kevin McShady lost them when he tried to go through the back door with the Joe Smith signing a couple of years ago. David Stern slapped him on the knuckles and now the Wolves have nobody under the age of like 26 playing for them. Rumors of a Wally for Shareef Abdur-Rahim trade are heating up and that would be a big fucking deal. Reef would be the inside offensive weapon that they lacked last season when dudes like Gary Trent and Ervin Johnson were their best options off the bench. Assuming they sign Troy Hudson and pull of the Rahim deal, the Wolves would be looking at:
PG- Sam Cassell
SG- Latrell Sprewell
SF- Kevin Garnett
PF- Rahim
C- Michael Olowokandi
and a bench of Trenton Hassell (who they resigned today), Fred Hoiberg, Troy Hudson and Ervin Johnson. THAT'S A FUCKING TEAM. I know everybody else tinkered, and rebuilt and everything. But...are the champs here? They better be, because Cassell is about to start collecting Social Security.

Denver- Nobody had a better off-season. They got Kenyon. 'Melo will only continue to be on some Bernard King shit. They have two true point guards (Dre Miller and Early Boykins), a beastly frontline (Nene, Camby). The only two problems are: no shooting guards and a lame duck coach. You look at the Nuggs and say, Yo, they could win the West. And you can also say, Yo, they will probably come in third in their division. And you would be right in both assertions. It's the duality of man, right there.



Portland- THE 'DRO IS IN THE WIND! God Damn! 3 tiny-ass point guards (Telfair, Mighty Mouse AND VAN EXEL, WHOA), Zach Randolph continuing his evolution into 21st Century Chocolate Thunder, pretty much no shooting guards except for Derek Anderson who seems to have a chonic problem of really hurting himself, Theo Ratliff in the middle, and Darius Miles and Qyntell Woods patroling the skies and the strip clubs. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG!?

Seattle- Always making moves, this off-season saw the Seatlle braintrust of Rick Sund, Wally Walker and coach, Nate McMillan shuffling shit up like Amarillo Slim. This summer's big aquisition? Hometown hero, Jamal Crawford? Nah, Duke! Try the be-dreaded power forward, Danny Fortson! Danny's all full o' Red Bull for the upcoming campaign. But he also has his thinking cap on. Peep Dan on the fickle trading ways of NBA General Managers:
"I've got a lot of energy bottled up. Things happen for a reason. This wasn't in my control. What can I say, you know? Life - you've got to do what you've got to do, keep moving."



True indeed. The Green and Gold also drafted this cat:



His name is Robert Swift and he's a 7-1 teenager outta Bakersfield. Bravo. Last place.

SALUTE!

THEY SAY YOU CAN RAP ABOUT ANYTHING BUT JESUS 
 


CENTRAL
Indiana- Legendary Larry of French Lick sent Al Harrington to Atlanta. In return he recieved Stephen Jackson, a sharp-shooting 2 guard. 
 


He's already got one championship ring from his stint with the Spurs. And after a year in ATL. purgatoty, Stephen's got a hunger for more. Quoth the raven:
 
"Just say I’m from Somalia and I need food. That’s how hungry I am."
 
Sometimes this shit just writes itself, people. In the draft, the Pacers picked up mentally unstable but quite tall Colorado big man, David Harrison. Upon rolling into the brickyard city, Harrison declared: "I want to be an All-Star within the first year of my contract. I want to start my rookie year. I want to make the All-Rookie team."
Bird commented, sanely, "He has a lot of work to do." Arm me with harmony.

CLEVELAND- You know what it means when a player plays for 3 teams in 2 years? Other then the fact that he abides by the Robert DeNiro/Heat code of the streets ("Have no attatchments, nothing you cannot walk away from in 30 seconds.")? It means he has PERSONALITY PROBLEMS. Drew Gooden, former Kansas All-American, former lottery pick of the Memphis Grizzlies, and former Juwan Howard backup of the Magic, is now wearing Cavs blue.
He has been brought in to replace the void filled when Carlos Boozer bolted for Utah at the first crack of daylight.  Gooden will give the Cav's a much needed offensive boost in the forward spot. He will also give head coach, Paul "I'M TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT" Silas a headache. Apparently, allegedly, it's chatted about around the campfire that Drew is a big fan of doing it real big. Late-night, club-night, it's one of the reasons he loves life. Gooden famously once told a Sports Illustrated reporter that his girlfriend wasn't Asian, she was Thai. It's a good thing that the Cavaliers offensive philosophy will be something like:
1. BRING BALL UP THE COURT
2. GIVE BALL TO LEBRON
3. GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY
 
Because that's about all homey can process. Good move, Pax!

Detroit- They didn't have to do shit. They locked up 'Sheed for what will probably be the last years of his career. Brought in the coming-along Antonio McDyess to back him, up. Lost Mehmet Okur and his eye-rolling ways. Will get Euro Star Carlos Delfino to spell Chauncey and Rip. Darko could only be better. Who's world is this?



Milwaukee- They're still the Bucks! And they're Van Horny to get out of the middle of the pack.  So repsect to them. It all depends on this dude:



And his faulty spine. T.J. FORD! DO NOT LEAN BACK!

I'VE BEEN RUNNING NEW YORK SO LONG I'M EXHAUSTED 
  


ATLANTIC 

New York- You see this car? 



That's a fine automobile, isn't it? It's flexible. It's blue. Blue is a nice color. And it doesn't have unnecessary accoutrements like doors or windows. Who needs that shit, right? That driver's side front wheel, is just hanging there. You know why? Because this car is chillin. It's like, 'Hey, I'll be here when you need me. Be easy.' Now, I would like you to take this car off my hands. It takes thousands of dollars of upkeep and it's not so reliable. But it is, in fact, a vehicle. It does go foward and backwards. In return? All I ask is this:

 


 
No? You don't wanna deal? Hmmm.
Funny that. This is Isiah Thomas' front-office philosophy. We have a bunch of overpaid, underperforming, undersized power forwards. And we would like you take them and their balloning, cap cancer contracts. And all we ask in return are tall combo guards capable of scoring 30 a night. The Knicks have been desperately trying to entice Jamal Crawford away from the Bulls, so that he may be the third guard in their backcourt allergic to passing. I would love to see a Knicks lineup of Steph Marbury, Allen Houston, Crawford, Qyntell Woods and J.R. Rider. That would be like basketball LSD. Keep on keepin' on, Zeke.

Philadelphia- Fuck a point guard! New Head Coach Jim O'Brien wasted little time installing his BANK LEFT, MAVERICK! BANK LEFT!!! Offense. Long range bombing at mach-2 speed!



the Sixers break down film
 
Gone is the traditional dribble, dribble pass bullshit of Eric Snow. Installed is the high flying deep-threatening, top gunning backcourt of Allen Iverson and Willie Green (recognize the lack of size!).



And just when you thought it was safe...



The Purdue Pitbull is back for another season of TAKE IT EZ style offensive hijinks! Let the Big Dog Eat!!! No other particularly fascinating additions to the squad, other then the return of Kevin Ollie and the drafting of A.I. Volume 2 (Andre Iguodala). If everything falls into place Ice City is going 82-0. Or at least win the division.

Boston-  Ayo, Marcus Banks, you know who that is on your side?

 
 

DELONTE WEST! LORD OF THE RINGS 4: THE RETURN OF THE REDHEAD KINGPIN!!!


I kinda love this Boston team. Nothing but crazy swing players. NOBODY wants to pass the ball up in the Garden. Doc Rivers will have his hands full with a locker room where Ricky Davis is one of the veterans. But they could do some work. Al Jefferson (6-10 high school banger) Tony Allen (defensive specialist outta Okla. State) and Young Delonte all tore up the summer league.  Paul Pierce and Mark Blount (coming off a career (read contract) year) will anchor the squad and if the young'ns cam come through...In the meantime mad scientist and VP of the team, Danny Ainge has been doing his best to re-acquire Eric Williams and Rodney Rogers, two big bodies he sent packing when he decided to remake the team in his image (unstable shooting guards). Beware of the Green Machine.

New Jersey- Well this has been a catastrophic couple of months. Kenyon is gone to Denver (for basically nothing). Kidd is on the last few years of his career. Richard Jefferson is already pulling an, "I just work here," kinda attitude, and Rod Thorn (the dude who built the team in the first place) was trying to go to Toronto as recently as the Spring. So...here's a very likely scenario: Kidd is well enough to play, but keeps it in third gear for a while, and gets traded to San Antonio for Tony Parker and picks before the All-Star break. Then RJ decides he'd rather not hang around for the rebuilding, and they ship him somewhere (Phoenix?) before his contract is up and they get nothing in return. And then you got Brian Scalabrine and the Fabulous Four.

 

the face of a franchise?
 

AND THE WHITE MAN GETS PAID OFF OF ALL OF THAT
  
We decided to get off the hammock and take a walk up to the high ground, surveying all of the front-loaded, Sprewell Escalade escapades the NBA's GM's have taken.
Your Chauncey Billups off-season review, with new division allignments!
 
SOUTHEAST!

Atlanta- A-Town! I went to the Hawks' page on NBA.com and you know who's the face of the franchise? The first person you see? BOB FUCKING SURA.
The Hawks totally shit the bed this summer. They had crazy cap room and all the got was Al Harrington on a sign and trade. Harrington wanted to start, even if that meant playing for a team with 6 small forwards and no fans. Eyes on the prize, young.  Big Al had this to say upon setting foot in the Derrty: 
“I am finally in a position where I can really be a role model for my teammates – it’s bigger than just starting. Now I have a lot of responsibilities and these are responsibilities that I have been looking for the last two years of my career. I’m very excited be here and we are going to get it ‘poppin’ out here again.”



LET'S GET IT ON AND POPPING, YOU SAY?! Oh wait, we can't. Because Jason Terry just killed himself. See he realized he's still on the Hawks. Get some sixth sense, B. Al Harrington is straight molding young minds.  They will maybe win 15 games.

Charlotte-
THEY DON'T KNOWWWWWW WHO WE BEEEEEEEEEEEE 


RESPECT MELVIN ELY'S GANGSTER! Yeah, they got Okafor, who will make Orlando pay all year for picking Jesus Walks Howard with the first draft pick. But who else is gonna be rocking Bobcat blue? How about Young Melvin Ely, freshly plucked via the expansion draft from the Clippers. This Fresno State alum, for lack of a better term, got no love on Mike Dunleavy's Clipper squad. He's now ready, hyped and amped to be in N.C.

"I want to be a better player and coach (Bernie Bickerstaff) wants me to be a better player. I really didn't feel that in L.A. It was really, if you got better, you got better, and if you didn't, you didn't."
 
When we two-wayed Mike Dunleavy he had this to say about the whole Elygate:
MELVIN IS A POP TART. ALL SWEET IN THE MIDDLE. LOL. I DON'T CARE ABOUT HIS PROBLEMS OR MISHAPS. I AM FROM BROOKLYN AND SHIT HAPPENS. TERROR SQUAAAAAAAAD. BIG PUN REST IN PEACE. MEL NEEDS TO PULL UP A PANT LEG AND DO THE ROCKAWAY. WE HERE AT THE CLIP SHIP DON'T GIVE A FUHHHH. PLAY ON PLAYER.
 
Hopefully Coach/GM Bernie Bickerstaff (career record of 338-348...he's the architecht!) will coax the beast from within.

ORLANDO- Orlando GM/Pres. whatever John Weisbrod comes to Hoop City after being an executive with several NHL franchises. When asked, What's the recipe? Weis responded:

"There are three key elements to getting deep and going long on a playoff run, okay? 1. Muck it up in the corners. 2. Get a hot goalie. And 3....MUCK IT UP IN THE CORNERS!"

The Magic have three guards tippey toeing over six feet, with Steve Francis and Cuttino Mobely, along with draftee Jameer Nelson. Then they got Bible-thumping blue chip Dwight Howard who couldn't hit water falling out of a boat during summer league action. Then...

YOUNG TURK!

 

MIAMI- The Southeast is theirs to lose. Basically traded Lamar Odom for Shaq. Caron Butler is probably going to wind up being real solid. But not an all-star. Brian Grant is Moses old, has bad kness, and can't play center in the West.  So Riley definitely smoked L.A. on that one. Dwayne Wade is about to become a career-long all-star, barring any unforseen 'dro busts or head trips. They could pad the squad with NBDL upstarts and University of Cincinnati dropouts and still go deep in the East playoffs. They will probably fill up the rest of the team with Robert Horry/Karl Malone types who do their thing when the time is right. Wouldn't shock a soul if they were in the finals next year.

WASHINGTON- There are lots of models for teams. There's the Bulls/Lakers 2-stars-and-a-bunch-of-role-players. Then there's the Grizzlies/Pistons blue collar do-everything-right model. But only Washington is following the obscure blueprint of the 2002-2003 Golden State Warriors. Washington GM Ernie Grunfeld is so enamored by the Bay Area squad of yesteryear, that he has reunited the cornerstones for that 38-44 juggernaut. Yes, Antawn Jamison is back with Gil Arenas.

Commented slept on off-guard Larry Hughes: “We know him and we know what he can do. We won’t need a feeling-out process, because we know Antawn."

U Gotta Feel Him. But you don't need to go through the process of feeling him, because he's already felt. Might make the playoffs if any of the cupcakes they drafted in the last few years (Jared Jeffries, Kwame Brown) decides to let it bang.

MOVE YOUR WHOLE HOOD LIKE CABRINI GREEN


Miss Thing...There is no guest list tonight

With Shaq's Floridian Exodus almost a done deal, Laker GM Mitch Kupchak is paitently waiting for Kobe Bryant to decide between the two L.A. teams, the other being (in case you were like, word L.A. got two squads?!) the mighty Coach Combover Dunleavy's mighty Clippers. Bryant continues to be mum on which way he might be leaning, although word leaked this weekend that Kobe may have asked the Clippers, were he to sign with them, if they would be willing to play a dozen or so games in Anaheim. Turns out Kobe just doesn't wanna push the Maybach all the way from his comfy Newport, CA. digs to the Staples Center everynight, and would appreciate a more local venue to punch the clock. GAS PRICES ARE NO JOKE, B!
Really, Kobe. Could you work a little harder for your Asshead Merit Badge? Anaheim?! Please, dun, we recognize your gangster.

SAD GIRLS POR VIDA



Cleveland GM Jim Paxson got a running start and truly screwed the pooch this week. Pax, and Daredevil-esque Cavs owner, Gordon Gund, allowed thrift-store find, Carlos Boozer to opt out of his mad cheap contract, under the assumption/verbal agreemnet/let's shake on it understanding that 'Los would resign with LeBron's squad. The idea being, Boozer opts out his pocket lint 700,000$ per year deal (can a power forward get some government assistance in this bitch!?), and Cleveland would ink him to a new, healthy, 5 million per year contract.


WORD. IS. BOND.

But alas Kevin O'Connor, the GM of the Utah Jazz, swooped in and offered Boozer something like 12 mil a season. Carlos has apparently agreed play some Jazz, while Paxson plays the skin flute.
But then again, Carlos is moving to Utah. So who's the asshole?