THEN THEY CALL THE SHIT THE BOMB SMACK

Adam Morrison's got the Panic! at the Rectory suit rocking.




















Jesuits have more fun. It was definitely a step up from this:




















Nice pleats, God. Looks like he pulled a B&E on the fucking Gap...in 1988. Actually...looks like a two-man job:




















The fact that these two play online Halo 2 together is one of the fucking factoids of the century. Who gets to be Master Chief?! Was I alone in hearing Stu Scott shout, "METALLICA IS COMING TO CHI-TOWN," even though Morrison's mustache is going all in for the B-Cats?

Hilton Armstrong just screams "You stay classy, Oklahoma City/New Orleans."




















Rudy Gay's more, "YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HOUSTON/PORTLAND/CHICAGO/TORONTO/ATLANTA."














caught on quote:

Just know that the hand you're handed my not be your own- Jay Bilas.

Keith Van Horn is not the next Larry Bird- Dan Patrick

HE REMINDS ME A LOT OF ARTEST AND RODMAN.- Isaiah

Stuart Scott: The New York fans are booing about whatever it is they boo about.
Bargnani: I AM FROM EUROPE.




















Did Bosh sign that extension yet? Somewhere Villanueva raised a non-existant eyebrow. As someone with a better memory than me pointed out: The evolution of Bryan Colangelo into GM of the 21st Century is pretty funny considering he traded Kidd for Marbury. Just saying.

Stephen A.: SKILES IS LOOKING FOR HARDCORE INDIVIDUALS.




































....were both otherwise detained so:















Chicago is going to damage people's mindscapes. That's a sweater-vest, my man. Wear it with pride. Get some Skittles in you.

Apparently when Shelden Williams arrived at Duke, Coach K., molder of minds told him he just
needed to be himself...




















So he got really into color-coordinating his closet. He looks good in earth tones, no?

All teams say they like to run. Some actually can. As an alternative, some like to grind. But only visionaries like Billy Knight build their teams on the Epcot Center height requirement model. Only ye who are 6-6 to 6-8 may enter yonder locker room. The Hawks: Moving FORWARD WITH FORWARDS.

PG- Joe Johnson
SG- Josh Smith
SF- Al Harrington (probably not)
PF- Sheldon Williams
C- ...

That's a dynamic fucking squad. I think they could use maybe a slashing, inside-outside 3-man. Someone around...6-7. Oh shit, JON BENDER IS SINGLE!


















For real. Winners: ORLANDO GOT REAL GOOD. I know...JJ...one hand on the steering wheel, one hand on the new Coors can with that lining that keeps shit icey. But he can shoot, right? Him, Jameer, Dwight and Darko? All they gotta do is paste Grant Hill with some of that liquid-nanotech-robot goo that Robert Patrick had in T2 and maybe let STACEY AUGMON LIVE A FUCKING LITTLE (RUNNING REBELS STAY RUNNING) and they might take the Southeast. I said it.

NO/OKC: So fucking smart. They are one person with a a solid jumper away from the playoffs. Rasual Butler needs to go grab Dennis Hopper and Gene Hackman and shoot 1200 jumpers a day. I'm riding for this band of gypsies. Win this one for BIRDMAN.



















Never forget.

Clevleland: Daniel Gibson and Shannon Brown are what the fuck is up. Dan Ferry says Gibson, "really shoots the ball naturally." Word. Roy Hobbes. Ferry continued, "He can really motor side to side and stay in front of people. That combination for us is really important.” That's a god damn dazzling menu Gibby's got! Some GM's look for dudes who have no lateral movement and are constantly falling behind their man. Not Ferry. Always be closing, Blue Devil: "Eric Snow, um, his shooting style is kinda unnatural. E was playing hooky the day Yahweh handed out jumpers. Get my drift? That's my man, though. He's the only one around here old enough to remember Moonlighting. We're just like Maddy and David! What a pair! We have laughs together."

HIGH LIKE GIRAFFE ASS






The Pistons just want everyone to know that the road to San Antonio goes through Detroit. Get a trip-tik, duke. Now you may ask, Oh seer of seers, how will the Motown Get Along Gang continue to push their reign on the top beyond leprechaun proportions? Easy. Teamwork. When Carlos Arroyo got into a little bit of turkey-burger level beef with D-Notz last night, he got himself ejected. But you know what? The team stuck together like putty, toddlers. Check what this site's patron saint had to say:

"I don't know what happened, but I am sure he had his reasons. He didn't do it because he just felt like he wanted to get into it. But I am with him. I don't care what happened. If he felt like that, I felt like that."

One is reminded of the oft-used aphorism, "RIDE OR DIE." If Milwaukee had this kinda brotherhood they wouldn't even fucking need Jamaal Magloire! Love is the currency!





Another reason for the Pistons constant headlock application to the East is the crafty GM-manship of Joe Dumars. Looks like the God is going to lock up the services of Tayshaun Prince (he of, "THE THING ABOUT PRINCE IS THAT HE IS SO LONG" and "PRINCE HAS TREMENDOUS UPSIDE" fame). Shit runs so smoothly in the D that Dumars makes jokes about contract negotiations. He ambled up to Prince as the two were checking out of a hotel:

"I told him, 'You should pay this bill.' I had been on the phone with his agent all day."

Dumars continued:

"And pick up the tab for that mini-bar, too! Stoli Vanilla doesn't grow on trees. Although if I get any more of these rings I might just change the fucking game, go into agriculture and see if I can't fix that! I'm about to put your grandchildren's grandchildren through grad-school. This round's on you, baller."

Perhaps invigorated by the Prince-purchased Bloody Mary's, Dumars held court on the subject of Mike Dunleavy Jr., a small forward with similar time served as Prince, who is on the verge of getting 50 million from the Warriors. When asked if Dunleavy's huge contract could impact his negotiations with Prince, Dumars replied:

"Yo, Chris Mullin can give Opie whatever he wants. Chris Mullin got a fucking Angel Dust problem too. That mean I gotta get me one of them? I saw Baron Davis hobbling down the ave. in Oakland talking 'bout ain't no half steppin'. That dude has 8 power forwards and J-Rich. Come see me when you're playing in May, Cock-Knocker."

I CARRY STRIPES IN HOOD. I AM ZEBRA.
















Shit, we're possesed like a gun charge over here. Denver is looking mighty healthy this year. Got a few qualms with Kiki signing Earl Watson this off seas. You know who else has beef with that signing? Earl fucking Watson, that's who! Dude kept Memphis afloat last season while JWill was playing like a meth addict robbing a fucking Sonic (don't know what that means). Kiki signed dude to shore up the backcourt (and probably as an insurance policy in case the Nugs traded the always tradeable Andre Miller), but now it seems like the only wood Earl's gonna see is that on which he will be sitting. Because he will be sittng on the bench. Not playing.
Check head coach and friend of Monterey Jack Burgers everywhere, George Karl:
"Earl's a very good basketball player, (but) it's just playing time. How much playing time do you have for three (point) guards? It's very hard. You've got 48 minutes."

A fine grasp of rules and regulations and the limitations imposed by said rules. He ain't going to Springfield for nothing. George went on:

"And I think Andre's got to be on the court for at least 30 of those minutes and Earl (Boykins), last year, was as good a bench player as there was in basketball."

This is the kind of thing you wanna think about before dedicating several million dollars to a dude. Saying.

Karl will fiigure it out though. He does stuff like this:





















Stop stealing his fucking adlibs! Anyone notice anything about the first pic? Kenyon: straight Vin Dieseling. Carmelo? He's loving it.
















Lala needs to put you on the Trim Spa game, Melo. Stop Snackin'!

TICKLE ME PINK LIKE...


















Keep your x-ray in top shape. Don't wanna catch nothing on the Usher tour or whatever. Inside, El Ron talks about wanting to box Ben Wallace for 10 mil on pay-per. He also says he and Larry Bird were brought together by the biggest VP of basketball operations there is...YAHWEH. His name doth ring out, no?

BACK IN THE GARAGE WITH MY BULLSHIT DETECTOR




Eddy Curry's heart beat sounds like Sasquatch feet! Blind, crippled or crazy, Isaiah Thomas will give you major figures. He swiped Baby Shaq from the bum-ticker pile, trading the lockeroom equivalent of Avian Bird Flu (I see you, Tim T.!) and some spare parts for the promising center. Larry's boys are shaping up to be the best shit on hardwood since those scrappy crackers from Hoosiers! So says, Thomas: "I have a lot of confidence in our medical staff."



True motherfucking story.

Rookie Channing Frye already smashed up his foot, but that don't mean he doesn't stay sharpening his darts!














Next generation, homefry. And when Nate Robinson isn't throwing himself alley-oops in the middle of games, he's putting the groupie game on smash!



Holler at a real player! The Knicks! They play basketball!

PLEASE BRING MY CAKE BACK




Tip your Bowler hat to the original Lil' Flip. The Wolves were built for a short window, and that window has apparently slammed shut on their necks.

I'm saying this year's Wolves squad--with the return of Wally and the lost Neville brother, Troy Hudson, and the emergence of Eddie Griffin--was like some Ikea furniture or something. You got these pieces, the shit makes sense on paper, you think it should work, and by the end of the day you have a broken bookcase, a drinking problem and 6 extra screws. AND YOU CAN'T FIND THE ALLEN WRENCH! YAOMING?! (YO, OLOWOKANDI IS THE ALLEN WRENCH IN CASE MY METAPHORS ARE TOO FUCKING RAS KASS FOR YOU)



This team went into the season, restocked and loaded with a lineup that went 8 or 9 deep, in a Western Conference that was up for grabs for the first time this century. Flip's dismissal is sad and KG's apparent knee problems (that he is ignoring) are alarming. But perhaps most telling is the fact that in the beginning of the year, they were in the market for Jason Kidd or Shareef Abdur-Rahim, whereas now you've got this story . Now I know that sometimes the dudes at ESPN have to float shit to fill out column inches or whatever but let me just say that if this trade is consumated I am rolling up to Kevin McHale's like this man...


on some WHAT IS YOUR PRIMARY OBJECTIVE!? type shit. Sprewell for Glen Robinson?!

One ray of sunshine today. The Wolves beat the Nets (golf clap, boys) last night, holding off a streaking Vince Carter. Garnett said this of interim coach/checkwriter Kevin McHale: "He's like a breath of fresh air right now. He's given everybody from A to Z confidence."

Yup. From Garnett on down to bench cozy, John Thomas, the shit is like Honey Apple potpourri. According to often dumbfounded center Michael Olowokandi, "McHale does a very, very good job at keeping us upbeat."

Yes, because you fucking guys were the number one seed in the West last year, you have the reigning MVP, and you have two extra above-average players returned to your arsenal this year, yet the sensitive contract demands of two Golden Girls have sent your team into a tailspin and cost your coach his job. But you need this horror movie villain...

To let you know that you're a special group of people.

STEP INSIDE THE BOOTH, SUPERMAN IS ALIVE



-Miami beat the Spurs last night. Just to show you who wears the cape on the Heat side, Wade had a 28-5-6. One-kidney-'Zo is on the way, Eddie Jones' finger is in a splint, and pretty soon they're probably gonna be able to swipe Rafer, Donyell Marshall and Jalen from the Raptors for Season One of Miami Vice. Maybe some of those Western Conference crews are taking notice. Sayeth Ginobilli: "They made a couple of big shots. We didn't. That's why they won the game." Manu, you a genius!


word. you dudes are champions.

- Speaking of the Leastern Conference heavyweights, the Knicks won a game last night. The unlikely hero was none other then Tim Thomas. Tx2 has been competing with Gilbert Arenas for over a year now in the, KANYE WEST OF THE NBA/DID HE JUST SAY THAT? competition. I will happily not call this a comeback for the Knicks as they defeated none other then the Bobcats who were playing without Emeka Okafor AND PRIMOZ BREZEC. So it's sorta like beating France at war with no Napoleon. The AP recap of the game quotes a Bobcat by the name of Bernard Robinson (who I will give propers to for this underhanded jab at Thomas, "For something to go in like (Thomas' shot), it happens in the game of basketball." Damn, Tim! Bernard Robinson said that you making a shot is like something that mathematically must occur in our universe but has no actual representation of skill on your part...ponder that, Wildcat.) ....I seriously have not even heard of half the dudes wearing Bobcat Orange. I feel like GM/Coach Bernie Bickerstaff is like, "Yo! I was at YMCA on 63rd, kid! This dude Bernard Robinson, he works over at Best Buy, but kid has up's!" Bernie! Get a scout!

DON'T HAVE ME ZIP DOWN THIS JACKET, OPEN THE OVEN UP

This is your OFFICIAL CHAUNCEY BILLUPS GUIDE TO THE FUTURE CAREER OF GEORGE KARL-HEAD COACH OF THE DENVER NUGGETS

aka

I REMEMBER MILWAUKEE!!!

Phase 1 (The remainder of the season): As Marc Stein calls him, Furious George is in the building talking some shit about how Denver is a dream job (Alex English retired, God!). The players start sensing some stability at the end of the bench. Carmelo lives down the I-thought-I-could-fly-Jet-Blue-with-a-dime-bag-arrest, the I-will-put-money-on-your-motherfucking-brains DVD , the LaLa-Is-My-Boo Barfight , the what-if-I-am-a-Bernard-King-remake (meaning: NO RINGS)...all that SHIT, and he comes back strong with two ankles and his merciless take a game over mid range muscle style. Kenyon and Camby and Nene get their chemistry right and make it hard for Western Conference forwards/centers to eat. Andre Miller somehow gets out of the am-I-overrated-or-what!? seating section. Earl Boykins keeps stabbing squads in the heart. They beat someone like Minnesota or maybe even my Suns (perish the thought!) in a playoff round before losing to, like, the Spurs (since everyone else will), and all of a sudden everyone is talking about....

Phase 2 (Next Year): High expectations, maybe Michael Redd is in the mix, they figure out what to do with their frontcourt (Yo, Kiki! I could've told you K-Mart can't play small forward! It says it right there in the media guide!). They stomp sqauds, it's all bliss, 'Melo joins Wade and LeBron in the WE ARE THE FUTURE realm. They win their division, and lose in a tough Western Conference final to the Spurs (since everyone else will). So close! Kno what I'm saying? Yo son, I had crazy visions!Check it out check it out check it out, boom!

Phase 3 (2006-2007 Season, assuming we are all alive and there is no work stoppage and all that): It's on, son! No, this time IT IS ON. They are so fucking chiseled. Melo is ready for some MVP chants. Oh yeah...oh wait...they start off going 8-11. And...oh no! Marcus Camby's wooden leg has termites!! And...Michael Redd is saying he can't be effective without more shots!! And...what's this?! George Karl is publically insulting his players in the media!! And the Balkan kid they drafted still can't play! That's never happened before! After the All-Star break the team takes a nose dive, and George Karl brings in his go-to savior... 0

MASE! WE THOUGHT YOU KISSED THE GAME GOODBYE!
And then it goes down like the Titanic, son. Melo gets traded to the Knicks for Toni Kukoc's nephew and Kurt Thomas. Camby retires. K-Mart starts living in Jason Kidd's attic like Jeffery Tambor on Arrested Development, and Earl Boykins joins the cast of Carnivale.

These are just some thoughts from your NBA version of...



I could be wrong. In the meantime, I would've hung with Mr. Cooper: