Wednesday, March 31, 2004


Chris Webber has had a hard year. He's been held in contempt of court in Michigan, had his scholastic basketball career wiped from memory, and was suspended for violating the NBA's drug policy (methinks CDubb may have had a taste for the Special K COS YOU WERE SLEEPING IN THE FINAL FOUR THOSE MANY YEARS AGO, GOD (and besides, did you ever see dude's shoe line?)

Well, the hits keep on coming for Webber. After missing half the season (and seeing his Sacramento Kings do just fine without him), Webber returned from a knee injury and the aforementioned drug suspension. After a few solid performances, Webber's game slipped, and so did the support of the die hard, cowbell banging SUV driving lunatics called Kings fans. Now Webber is apparently thinking about moving to greener pastures (I would cross Detroit off the list). Chris told that, "It actually hurts, I feel more then betrayed."
On a list of things you want to have happen when you're gearing up for a playoff run, having your marquee player feel LIKE HE'S NOT LOVED is not very high up there. Head Coach Rick Adleman's turtleneck is getting more uncomfortable by the day.
What's that you're smelling? Ooh, and Iverson for Webber deal? Right, that's a good idea, Webber should go to the town where the beat up handicapped people for wearing Giants jerseys. That's sharp.


Oh my! We were getting worried there for a second. The Lake show has rattled off 9 wins in a row, including some off the top rope shellings of Western Conference pretenders like the Kings and Wolves. After doing a drive by on the fading and squabbling New Orleans Hornets, Shaq opined, "Everybody is playing very spirited basketball." Spirited? Who are you E.M. fucking Forster?! He continued, "It's fun to play like that. And it's fun to watch, I'm sure." Ooh! I'm sure. I do say. Off to the fox hunt! Prick. The Lakers are one game behind the Kings with eight games left.

Tuesday, March 30, 2004


Behold The Oracle of Roxbury. Ray Benzino couldn't snuff out Paul Pierce. So he'll be damned if Eastern Conference upstarts like the Cleveland Cavs are gonna fuck around with his Spring. Despite having their second best player dumped in training camp, their coach jetting in the middle of the year, and Chucky Atkins being there second most reliable offensive weapon, Pierce and the Celtics have muscled their way into the bottom of the East playoff bracket. This comes as no surpirse to extra-P, who predicted as much. Just the other day Pierce told the Boston Herald,

"We're in, baby. We're in. Pencil us in. If y'all are smart, then y'all are going to pencil us in. I looked at our schedule. I've been studying this stuff religiously. If you look on the table (next to the practice court at The Sports Authority Center), I've got four team's last 11 (opponents') schedules, so I've been kind of seeing who's got the more difficult schedule.''

Paul Pierce wants you to cop a pencil and do what ya feel! Don't sleep. Get some Ticonderoga #2 lead in your mitts and take note. The Celtics are marching on. But Paul's prognostications didn't end there.

Pierce: And another thing: my man John Kerry? MORTAL FUCKING LOCK. Ayo, Bush!? Drop the Black Album and back out kid! I've been crunching data, like that little robot boy, D.A.R.R.Y.L., remember him? Anyway, I'm punching shit into the Blackberry, and it's smooth sailing. for the kid. I got my Zogby numbers laid out on a nice oak drawing board back at the crib. As long as homie grabs himself a running mate that can spell, J-O-B-S, then we'll be signing Fleetwood Mac in Novemeber. Don't stop believin', childrens.

Wednesday, March 24, 2004


Spring is here, bounding through our Beast Coast metropolis like a back up power forward at a strip club! And with spring comes....LOVE. Yes, I really know how it feels to be stressed out, the playoffs are on the horizon, and you've got nothin but problems. Maybe your GM wants you to tank (yo, Danny Ainge...JUMP OUT A WINDOW, DUDE), maybe you're sweating the fact that some young buck is coming next season to take your spot (Dwight Howard is creeping on the come up!) . My only advice to the underpaid, over-worked masses of the NBA is this: take comfort in your teammates. The camraderie, the brotherhood. These are the best years of your life.


Taking this advice to heart is Memphis swingman, Bonzi Wells. A fan of Memphis' cultural vitality ("It's Crunk. And that's what I'm used to."), Wells was the subject of a recent profile in the Memphis Commercial Appeal. The kid is lovin' it in the Dirty Dirty. And while he longs for the pals he made as a Portland Hydro Blazer, he's glad to get gone from the gloomy enviorns of the Pacific Northwest. According to banged up big man and current Grizzlie teammate, Lorenzen Wright: "He talks about (Portland) a lot. He talks about how just the atmosphere was so different; how it would be dark outside and just 3 o'clock in the afternoon. He said sometimes he'd just wake up on the wrong side of the bed because it is so gloomy out there."

That ain't no way to live, son! So, from cracklin' oat bran to soul food Sundays, Wells is now feeling Dixie. Comfortably nestled away in Chairman Hubie Brown's agrarian socialist 10 man rotation. Arm and arm with the likes Shane "Battman" Battier, James Posey, Pau "Kool Aid" Gasol, and Jason Williams, Wells is part of a revolution. Bucking the star system, the Grizz have the best record in the NBA since the All-Star siesta, and are giving the Mavericks the uptown shakes, as they clamor for the 5th spot in the Western Conference playoff race.

Head Coach Brown, taking his nose out of his little red playbook for a hot second says, "Once all struggle is grasped, miracles are possible. We play 10 guys. We have one guy playing 32 minutes, seven guys playing 20 minutes and two guys playing 18 or 19 minutes. We don't worry about any team other than our team. A revolution is not a dinner party. When we get a guy like James Posey, there's a guy, he has tremendous upside. But the key is not to put the weight of the world on his shoulders. To lessen the burden, as it were. It's a task, don't get me wrong. Genuine equality between the Grizzlies can only be realized in the process of the socialist transformation of society as a whole. Let one thousand flowers bloom"

Western Conference oligarchies be warned! Your days of bowing down to the false Tim Duncan idols are dwindling! Behold the Memphis Grizzlies and the new future where love is the currency!

Following the Grizzlies blowout victory over the struggling New York Knicks, Chauncey Billups' intrepid political reporter, Jon "Bougie Basher" Dolan filed this transcript of Coach Hubie Brown's post-game chat with his squad:

Hubie Brown: All right. So, listen. To interpret history from this viewpoint is historical materialism; standing in opposition to this viewpoint is historical idealism. So, when we zone-trap late in quarters don't ever think for one second I'm relying on any sort of Marxian-Hegelian historical model -- I'm talking to you, Pau Pau, you capitulating little quist...

Pau Gasol: But coach, I vote for Lula -- twice!

Brown: Lula wears a dress. Look girls. Lenin. LEEN-IN. Revolution from the air. Yank it down.

Bonzi Wells: Yeah, but coach. It says right here in the Little Red Book, 'The organs of state must practise democratic centralism, they must rely on the masses and their personnel must serve the people.' Doesn't that imply a proletariat that can conceive of it's own historical moment--

Brown: Your Dead Prez tape seems to be stuck, Bonzi. Hey, that's funny. Bonzi! Bonzi! I'm going off menu here so tilt your pointy head thisaway. Ya know, Bonzi, you got kind of a womanish face, real soft. Anyone ever tell you that? I mean, Carmelo, he's young. But you, I dunno, you're a weird little Marie Antoinette-lookin' bourgeoisie bitch-trick construct, if you don't mind the digression. Now, go sew these Deng Xiao Peng iron-ons into everyone's jerseys and listen to the prophet -- 4-5-4 little flowers. 4-5-4.

Monday, March 22, 2004


In far more heart-warming news, it seems that the Miami Heat are having a Miami Heat renaissance. "We go to the movies together...all of us...what we have here is very rare'' said once struggling now thugging sophomore forward Caron Butler. One can only imgaine the deliberations taking place on line to the box office in sunny Miami...

Caron Butler: So, friends. What should we peep?

Brian Grant: While I usually appreciate some intellectual stimulation with my movie-going experience, I'm feeling a bit worn down by this year's playoff race. Perhaps we should see something along the lines of Cody Banks: Destination London

Rafer Alston: That kid thinks he cute. With them toys. For real, I'm just trying to get into some multiple-box Goober snacking. So you guys decide. But don't let that Chickenhead behind the counter tell me that I can get a extra large value meal jawn for a quarter more. I know the value of a quarter, Bitches. I was in the NBDL. Holler.

Caron Butler: I feel you on that end, Brian. But there must be something slightly more engaging then Frankie Muniz's latest installment of post-adolescent espionage shennangians!

Brian Grant: True.

Pat Riley: What is the story, Brohannon's!? Me and the God, Udonis Haslem are about to fuck around with the Passion...OF THE CHRIST. Ever since I quit coaching you midnight tokers, its been nothing but massages with happy endings. I figured it was time to remember what jail was really like, ya heard!?
Udonis: Word. Pain.
Rafer Alston: Whatever fucking whatever. Just let me jump on some Mike 'n Ikes.
Caron Butler: Why don't we see Secret Window and call it a compromise.
Udonis: Word. Because in the playoffs, we gonna be throwin' squads out Secret Windows. Babies. Bathwater. Whatever. Out the fucking window, kid.
Caron: What we have is rare.


What in the the Passion of Bzdelik is up with the Nuggs!? For a minute they were licking shots in the bottom half of the Western playoff OK Corral. They are now on the outside looking in, at no less then the Utah Jazz, who are powered by the Vanilla Trinity of Matt Harpring (if only in spirit), Andrei "AK-47" Kirelinko, and Gordan Giriceck. Rookie of The Year canidate (and shoe-in for the Second Coming of Mark Aguirre Award) Carmelo Anthony pulled himself out of Friday night's Motown car-jacking by the Pistons. He then refused to return for the last few minutes of the contest, citing hurt feelings, because Andre Miller and Marcus Camby were apparently screaming on his shot selection.

Anthony repented in the days to follow, stating, "I apologized for quitting. That's not me."
All apologies aside, General Manager Kiki Vandelweghe is all like...

Don't worry, Kiki, you still got mad cap room for next year.

Monday, March 15, 2004


Chauncey Billups Orlando correspondent, James "Remember Lil' Penny" Montgomery chimes in with this farewell to former Magic GM, John Gabriel.

"The Magic just demoted GM-extreme John Gabriel to the nebulous roles of 'team advisor' and 'talent scout.' Good thing, cause if there's one thing Gabes knows, it's scouting. Be it 6'6" shooting guards who can't shoot,
seven-foot stiffs from DePaul, or sub-CBA blanco scrubs (Britton Johnson!), Gabes has seen 'em and signed 'em. Dude stockpiles benchwarmers like Pat Williams adopts Phillipino kids.

Gabriel's replacement is John Weisbrod, who earned his hardwood stripes as GM of the orlando solar bears, out now-defunct INTERNATIONAL HOCKEY LEAGUE"

Friday, March 12, 2004


Chauncey Billups' Minnesota correspondent, J. Dollars, a.ka. Camper Van Exel, put down the St. Paulie Girl (and his beer) and retired from the ice fishing hole for a hot second to weigh in on Wall Szczerbiak, and the Timberwolves increasing chemistry problems:

"Wally might have down syndrome. I'm serious. Every time they give him the ball he's
like, 'What this? Bouncy, bouncy, fun to run with ball. Why do black men keep yelling name, what mean 'pass asshole'? Why tall bald one and man in suit mean to Wally? Why Wally ride home in little yellow bus
when other men ride in big bird machine?'

They're gonna play Dallas or the Lakers in the first round and get beat. I'm gonna go get into the Islanders."

Thursday, March 11, 2004


Last Friday, Blazers chieftan, Mo Cheeks, held the bathroom door open for a Portland Oregonian columnist who wanted to verify the...purity of Damon Stoudamire's urine test. NBA players union representative, Dan Wasserman said, "It goes without saying that it's a violation of the collective bargaining agreement." True.